Can a self-described musical genius possibly compare to a small East African republic? Sure! In a world where the Pope can have an opinion on airport body scanners, absolutely anything is possible. We put the post-colonial nation and the tiny-penised Grammy hoarder side-by-side and here's what we found:

SIZE
Kenya is slightly more than twice the size of Nevada. But Kanye's ego is larger than life itself. No contest. Point: KANYE

FINANCES
Though Kanye considers himself priceless his net worth is actually in the neighborhood of $25-30 million; certainly not too shabby for a semi-literate, boorish, megalomaniac. But, with its 2008 GDP of $62.4 billion Kenya could buy Kanye many, many times over. It could even afford the hefty $50 million price tag Russia's space agency would charge to launch Kanye into a geosynchronous orbit. Point: KENYA

CLIMATE
Kenya's diverse climate ranges from tropical on the coastline all the way to arid on the interior. That's actually not too much different from Kanye who ranges from heated/angry on the outside all the way to empty on the inside. Point: DRAW

INFANT MORTALITY RATE
Kenya's infant mortality rate is 54.7 per 1,000 live births, putting it right ahead of Cambodia and right behind Azerbaijan. Kanye finds himself above top-rated Singapore (2.31/1,000) because, as far as we know, the Grammy-winner has neither produced any babies nor killed any during childbirth; a fortunate fact not only for Kanye but for the whole world. Point: KANYE

OTHER NAMES
Kenya was originally called the British East African Protectorate, but since 1920 has been known by his current name. Though originally called Kanye in 1977, the Atlantan has also acquired a variety of colorful names ranging from asshat to festering twatwaffle. Point: KANYE

RELIGION
Kenya is home to a variety of religions including a majority of Protestant and Roman Catholic faithful, as well as Muslims and many indigenous tribal religions. Unfortunately, Kanye's unwavering faith in himself as the center of the universe is incredibly powerful but not technically a religion. Point: KENYA

LANGUAGES
Kenya's official languages are English and Kiswahili. Numerous indigenous languages are spoken throughout the country. Kanye's official language is English (not fluent) and ALL CAPS which he uses in email correspondence. Point: KENYA

HAZARDS
The nation of Kenya is subject to recurring drought and flooding during rainy seasons, both natural disasters that can not be avoided. Kanye is subject mainly to man-made disasters, including but not limited to: disrupting benefit concerts with tirades, disrupting awards shows with tirades, playing the race card, pouting and stomping, and general behavioral malfeasance. Point: KENYA

THE WINNER
We hope Mr. West will take consolation in the fact that he's totally special and really, amazingly talented and probably should have won if the world wasn't out to get him but the wee East African republic managed to - just barely, Kanye! Don't be upset! - squeeze past history's greatest musician ever. Match: KENYA

©Brian Sack | Filed under: People | 4 Comments | Email to a Friend
Tags: Freaks | Jerks | Kenya | Music

A "breakdown" is industry parlance for a list of the characters in a script that a casting director is looking to cast. Actors and their agents read the character descriptions in a breakdown to see if there are any roles they should audition for.

Breakdowns can range in size from one sentence to a whole paragraph. Here's one:

DENNY - Male, 18 to play 15-18, open ethnicity. Asthmatic, heavy breathing, loud, overly nerdy, & socially awkward. He could tell you what Captain Kirk said in scene three, line two, of episode 43. Improv experience preferred. Knowledge of comic books, video games, computers, & anything geeky preferred.

And here's another one. It's shorter, but you still can get a sense of what they're looking for:

JONES - African American male. Age late 30's to early 50's. He is Taja's 'bad boy' boyfriend.

And here is the worst, laziest breakdown I've ever seen:

©Brian Sack | Filed under: Work | 2 Comments | Email to a Friend
Tags: Acting | Lame | Movies | Work

"Dubai's police chief said on Monday that an 11-person team of trained killers with European passports carried out the mysterious assassination of a senior Hamas official last month in a Dubai hotel." [New York Times]

©Brian Sack | Filed under: Playmobil | 1 Comments | Email to a Friend
Tags: Newsmakers | Playmobil | Terrorists

After the recent release of the 2011 Federal Budget there was no shortage of complaints from all over the political spectrum. Of course, one of the biggest grumbles is that it's 192 pages of incredibly boring fiscal drudgery. The fix? Make it entertaining! Some of America's top entertainers offer their ideas on how the Office of Management and Budget could spice up this dreary affair:

CARROT TOP - Comedian
"I would have a page in the budget that has a big bite taken out of it. Then I would have the President hold it up and say, 'This must be page ate!' Get it? It's like they ate the page, which is a pun on the word eight."

MEL GIBSON - Film star
"The budget, like a movie, needs to keep the viewer riveted. Every chapter should infer that a shadowy network controls the economy. We keep people guessing until the very end, and then we go off on Jews and call our publicists."

KIM KARADASHIAN - Fragrance
"I would pepper it with inexcusable spelling and grammatical errors, like my Twitter updates hases."

QUENTIN TARANTINO - Director
"I'd have you reading about the Department of Labor, then a quick flashback to the Department of Veteran's Affairs expenditures in 2007, then back to present-day Department of Labor, and then suddenly you're looking at a blood-spattered chart highlighting the Department of Education's purchase of laptops in 2005."

DIDDY - Musician
"I would record myself saying "Uh huh" and "Mmmm Hmmm" over the 2009 Budget, and release it as the 2011 Budget."

©Brian Sack | Filed under: People | 2 Comments | Email to a Friend
Tags: Celebrities | Government | Money | Newsmakers

The Deposition of Lou Bagetta, the short film I made that I won't stop talking about much to your annoyance, is screening this weekend at the Connecticut Film Festival. The film is traveling the country screening at festivals now as part of the LA Comedy Shorts Film Festival's Best of Fest program.

It's on this Saturday the 13th at 3:00pm in Old Saybrook at the Katherine Hepburn Cultural Arts Center which Connecticutians call The Kate for obvious reasons.

I understand that you're probably all good and liquored up by Saturday afternoon, but if you can find a designated driver go check it out:

Here's the link.

©Brian Sack | Filed under: Work | 2 Comments | Email to a Friend
Tags: Connecticut | Deposition | Mafia | Movies | Work

Defendant: Artepasta Restaurant, Greenwich Avenue, New York.

Count 1: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.

Count 2: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.

Count 3: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.

Count 4: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.

Report: Officer diverted his routine patrol and was headed towards the part of Greenwich Village known as "Little Britain" when the incident was noticed and recorded on a digital incident recording device. Officer believes the area to be rife with superfluous apostrophes and recommends that the area be patrolled more regularly.

Fine: $440 worth of liquor (well drinks only).

©Brian Sack | Filed under: Grammar Cop | 3 Comments | Email to a Friend
Tags: Apostrophe | Drugs & Alcohol | Grammar | Marketing